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Learn what family violence is. Family and domestic violence consists of: the use of violence, abuse, or
intimidation
used to control or manipulate a partner, family member or other
household members. It can include ex-partners as well as current
partners. The types of
controlling behavior
involved can be physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional, including
threats, put-downs, cutting off access to finances, and preventing the
victim(s) from having contact with others in society, including seeking
false diagnoses of children to gain access to controlling drugs and/or
encouraging behavior the victim can't help and that is harmful to their
health and well-being (such as cutting, making the other parent angry,
taking too much medicine, taking medicine not good for him/her,
encouraging anti-social behavior in the guise of "protecting", etc. It impacts all ages, from children to the elderly, it impacts
heterosexual and homosexual couples, it impacts all races, and it can be
perpetrated against all or some members of the household.
Stand in the other person's shoes so that you can understand how they feel. Many victims of domestic violence feel a sense of shame,
loneliness, anger, and naturally, fear.And the perpetrators rely on using fear, shame, intimidation, and guilt
to wear down the victim until she or he can no longer think straight.It's important to understand this rather than viewing the victim as
being secretive, evasive, or complicit in what is happening.
Learn the signs.
- The person seems fearful, nervous, sad, angry, and walking on eggshells.
- The person is really worried about how their partner will react if
they're discovered talking. They also seem overly willing to do
everything their partner asks, being anxious and afraid to please their
partner, and even reporting back often to their partner when they're at
work, out, etc. They may make comments about the partner's
possessiveness, a bad temper, or jealousy.
- Their self-esteem is at its lowest ebb, they lack confidence. There
may be signs of a complete personality change from a once confident and
outgoing person to a withdrawn, sullen, and anxious person.
- They keep to themselves, deliberately isolating themselves from others and don't want you visiting.
- They're secretive and reluctant to talk.
- If they have children, the children may be fearful, quiet and withdrawn, aggressive, or incredibly well behaved.
- Physical signs might include bruises,
behavioral changes, and noticeable injuries. The victim may make
attempts to dress in a way that covers this up, or have a raft of
excuses for frequent injuries. The victim may miss social or work
occasions without offering explanations.
Consider how you'll approach the situation.
Obviously, it's important not to worsen the situation for the person, so
don't do anything you think might provoke the partner or make things
more difficult for the victim, or bring your own safety into question.
Find your own way to reach out. The most important
thing about reaching out is to understand that there isn't a rule book
of the perfect or right way to offer your support. Reaching out requires
being prepared to do what feels right to help a person in trouble, to
do the best that you can without endangering yourself or the victim.
Support the victim's choices and decisions. Do what you can to enable their decisions and to help them find a better way forward.
