16 Ways I Blew My Marriage (By
Dan Peace)
You know what blows big time?
The other night I was sitting with my family, most of whom are very successfully married.
We were going in a circle giving our best marriage advice to my little
sister on the eve of her wedding. It’s somewhat of a family tradition.
But that’s not what blows. What really blows is that I realized I don’t
have any good marriage advice to give. After all, I’ve never had a
successful marriage out of the two marriages I did have.
And
so, when it was my turn, I just made a joke about divorce and how you
should always remember why you loved your spouse when you first met her
so that when times get tough, you can find someone new that is just like
she was.
There were a couple courtesy giggles, but overall my humor wasn’t welcome in such a beautifully building ring of profunidity.
They finished round one, and for some reason started into another
round. And that’s when I realized. Hey. I don’t have marriage advice to
give, but I have plenty of “keep your marriage from ending” advice (two
equivocally different things), and that might be almost as good.
It eventually came to me again, and what I said would have been such
great advice if I were a tenth as good at saying things as I was at
writing them.
And so, that night, I sat down and wrote out my
“advice list” for my little sister. You know… things I wish I would have
known or done differently so that I didn’t end up divorced (twice).
After writing it, I thought maybe I’d share it with all of you, too.
I call it my “Ways I Blew My Marriage” list. Also, for the list’s sake,
I am just going to refer to “her” instead of “them” even though they
almost all were true in both marriages.
1. DON’T STOP HOLDING HER HAND
When I first dated the woman I ended up marrying, I always held her
hand. In the car. While walking. At meals. At movies. It didn’t matter
where. Over time, I stopped. I made up excuses like my hand was too hot
or it made me sweat or I wasn’t comfortable with it in public. Truth
was, I stopped holding hands because I stopped wanting to put in the
effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.
IF I COULD HAVE
A DO-OVER: I’d hold her hand in the car. I’d hold her hand on a star.
I’d hold her hand in a box. I’d hold her hand with a fox. And I’d hold
her hand everywhere else, too, even when we didn’t particularly like
each other for the moment.
BONUS! When you hold hands in the winter, they don’t get cold. True story.
2. Don’t stop trying to be attractive.
Obviously when I was working to woo her, I would do myself up as
attractively as I possibly could every time I saw her. I kept perfectly
groomed. I always smelled good. I held in my farts until she wasn’t
around. For some reason, marriage made me feel like I could stop doing
all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling good, and dressed
up any time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself, but I rarely,
if ever, cared about making myself attractive just for her.
IF
I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try and put my best foot forward throughout
our entire marriage. I’d wait to fart until I was in the bathroom
whenever possible. I’d make myself desirable so that she would desire
me.
BONUS! when you trim your man hair, guess what. She returns the favor.
3. Don’t always point out her weaknesses.
For some reason, somewhere along the way, I always ended up feeling
like it was my place to tell her where she was weak and where she could
do better. I sure as heck didn’t do that while we were dating. No, when I
dated her I only built her up, only told her how amazing she was, and
easily looked past all of her flaws. After we got married though, she
sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me telling her how she might
be able to improve.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I wouldn’t say a
damned thing about anything that I thought could use improvement. I’ve
learned since my marriage ended that there is more than one right way to
do most things, and that the imperfections of others are too beautiful
to try and change.
BONUS! when you tell her what she’s doing
right, she’ll tell you what you’re doing right. And she’ll also tell her
friends. And her family. And the dentist. And even strangers on the
street.
4. Don’t stop cooking for her.
I knew how to
woo a girl, for sure. And the ticket was usually a night in, cooking a
nice meal and having a romantic evening. So why is it then, that I
didn’t do that for her after we got married? Sure, I’d throw some canned
soup in the microwave or fry up some chimichangas once in a while, but I
rarely if ever went out of my way to sweep her off her feet after we
were married by steaming crab legs, or making fancy pasta, or setting up
a candlelit table.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a
priority to cook for her, and only her, something awesome at least every
month. And I’d remember that meat in a can is never awesome.
BONUS! candlelit dinners often lead to candlelit bow chica bow-wow.
5. Don’t yell at your spouse.
I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the
lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to
get up from your television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY
UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that
much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding
and authoritative.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try to go
find her anytime I needed something or wanted to know something, and I’d
have both gratitude and manners when I did. I always hated when she
would yell to me, so why did I always feel it was okay to yell to her?
BONUS! sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would have missed otherwise.
6. Don’t call names.
I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may
not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d
sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she
was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names,
and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just
about anything else.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: Any time it got
to the point that I wanted to call names, I’d call a time-out and come
back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her names, but they’d be names
like “super sexy” or “hotness.
7. Don’t be stingy with your money.
As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d
whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at
restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on things like pedicures
or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if not more
things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we
were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was
bring undo stress to our relationship.
IF I COULD HAVE A
DO-OVER: I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted, whenever
she felt like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do it.
BONUS! sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to
makeup purchase she felt liLike that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.
8. Don’t argue in front of the kids.
There was never any argument that was so important or pressing that we
couldn’t wait to have it until the kids weren’t there. I don’t think it
takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to know why fighting in front
of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing things.
IF I
COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would never, ever, not even once fight in front
of the kids, no matter how big or how small the issue was. I’d maybe
make a code word that meant, “not with the kids here.”
BONUS! when you wait to fight, usually you both realize how stupid or unimportant the fight was and the fight never happens.
10. Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.
I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to
poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s
gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there is
literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time
she saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I
was less attractive.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d shut the damn door and poop in private.
BONUS! when she does think of your naked body, she’s not going to be thinking about it in a grunting/squatting position.
11. Don’t stop kissing her.
It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her.
Usually it was because things were stressful and there was tension in
our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss her. This
of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course
lead to arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs
and whatnot.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d kiss her in the
morning when she looked like people do in the morning. I’d kiss her at
night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her any time I felt like she
secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even when my germ issues
kicked in.
BONUS! she feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.
12. Don’t stop having fun together.
Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability shouldn’t matter. Couples should
never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn’t
have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t really go out and do
anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that when
the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also
goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make a rule with her that we’d never stay home two weekends in a row.
BONUS! awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.
13. Don’t pressure each other.
Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment.
I always felt so pressured to make more money. I always felt so
pressured to not slip in my religion. I always felt so pressured to feel
certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually
carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many
times that I pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a point to celebrate the
different views, opinions, and ways that she had of doing things. I’d
find the beauty in differentiation, not the threat.
BONUS! authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do authentic foot rubs.
14. Don’t label each other with negative labels.
Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my marriage started with one of
three things. Either, “you should have,” “you aren’t,” or “you didn’t.”
Inevitably after each of those seemed to come something negative. And
since when have negative labels ever helped anyone? They certainly never
helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action that sparked
the label worsen in big ways.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I
would learn to stop myself before saying any of those phrases, and then
I’d switch them out for positive labels. Instead of “you should,” I’d
say “you are great at.” Instead of saying “you aren’t,” I’d say “you
are.” Instead of saying “you didn’t,” I’d say, “you did.” And then I’d
follow it up with something positive.
BONUS! the noblest
struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe
that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.
15. Don’t skip out on things that are important to her.
It was so easy in marriage to veto so many of the things she enjoyed
doing. My reasoning, “we can find things we both enjoy.” That’s lame.
There will always be things she enjoys that I will never enjoy, and
that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only thing
she needs is to know that I’m there.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d attend many more of the events that she invited me to. I would
actively participate and not tell all the reasons why I’d do it
differently or how it could be better or more fun or time better spent.
BONUS! go to something she knows you don’t enjoy and the gratitude gets
piled on later that night, like whipped cream on a cheesecake.
16. Don’t emotionally distance yourself after a fight.
I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my
wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from
her, usually for several days. Communication would shut down and I’d
avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked out, and
eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d let myself communicate my emotions and
feelings more often, and I’d make sure that she knew I still loved her
any time we had an ugly bout. Sure, we’d give each other some distance.
But not days of distance.
BONUS! Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.
I had lots more written out, but the list started getting super long so
I’ll stop right there and maybe do a part 2. It’s amazing when you’ve
had relationships end, just how much you learn and know you could have
done differently, isn’t it?
My sister and her new husband will
be amazing. Hopefully she’ll always be giving amazing marriage advice in
the future and never have to hand out the “keep your marriage from
ending” advice like I get to.
